It was never a thing to believe in faeries and dragons. Why wouldn't I? It's like an inherent knowing that they're real. Has always been that way. From a wee tiny tot to grandma-aged, I've loved the otherworldly creatures. I've loved all the things -
And then one day I had a break with reality and found myself in a therapist's office wondering how unhinged I sounded when she asked me if I had any "imaginary" friends, and I felt compelled to answer yes. But then tried to justify it by saying there were faerie and draconic religions, which made it sould like a cult and made me sound a little more off my rocker, until...
My therapist smiled warmly and told me her belief system aligned with mine. I found a Sister who helped me heal in the worst phase of my life. I haven't spoken with her in three years, though. I moved to Nebraska, and she moved on to teaching psychology at the local college. I miss her. I feel like I could benefit from her wise energy right now. I'm wobbly.
In my early thirties, I lived in Tulsa, Oklahoma, as a poverty-stricken, single mother of three kids under the age of 10. I moved to Tulsa so I could openly practice magic. It's where I deep-dived into my studies and was first introduced to all of the elements I'm now trying to capture in my website. I learned about chakras, candle magic, color magic, moon magic, the Wheel of the Year, faeries, dragons, and other topics, including alternate realities, multiple dimensions, the Mandela Effect, vortexes, psychic abilities, and much more. I have two things I want to say here, so let me say them and then elaborate:
1. My sister asked me why I couldn't just use magic to fix my situation
2. I feel like I need to put all of that knowledge here, and it feels like a matter of urgency. It feels like I have to dump it all out on the table as fast as I can so the information is "out there" - and "out there" for who? I imagine a 25-year-old version of me on the cusp of discovering and creating her own path and could benefit from this resource - from having introductions (and perhaps a bit deeper) to all things enchanted. I could create a fun space for someone to get lost in for hours exploring the mysteries and wonders of the universe.
So let's go back to Tulsa. It was awful. Horrible. Rotten. Painful. Embarrassing. Humbling. Humiliating. I let the power get turned off. I let the water get turned off. We had no food. My kids had to steal to eat. And yet, there I was making faerie circles in the back yard with ash from the fireplace, salt, herbs, crystals, stones, and firewood. So my sister asked why I couldn't just whip up a spell, wave a wand, and magic my way out of the hardship. And here was my answer at the time: I compared it to prayer. You can pray to God to give you strength, to give you courage, to ease your burdens, to pad your pockets. And in your soul, you may well feel Him answer those prayers (or get mad at Him for not answering them). But it doesn't end at prayer. You have to do the work! The hard work. The inner work. The shadow work. You have to face your Devil and overcome temptation. You have your own lessons to learn that you can't magic or pray your way out of. You have to evolve. Pray, yes - but then work. God will not do it for you. Neither will magic. But what is it that prayer and magic do have in common that DOES generate results? What gives them the power to generate miracles and manifestation? Belief.
It is our belief in a thing that gives us the feeling that we're not alone. That there's more than meets the eye. That there are forces beyond us - more powerful, more insightful, more... what's the word, regal? How about supernatural? Yeah, that's a better fit. We imagine that God and Magic are outside of us, cheering us on, guiding us on the journey, bestowing us with their gifts and blessings. And we feel like if we have that, we're empowered. We're stronger. We're more courageous. We feel safer. Cared for. Protected. We believe we can do more, and so we do.
The other thing they have in common is intent. Focused energy. Desire. Visualization. When you pray, you know exactly what you're asking for. When you do magic, you know exactly what you're invoking. You call it forth. You draw it to you. You vibrate at the frequency that resonates with miracles and manifestation.
I sure will make a money spell jar, though. And then I'll go to work to earn the money. It's not going to rain from the heavens, and the faeries won't sprinkle it like glitter.
So that was number one. Now let's look at number two. I feel like I need to put all of this knowledge here right now. Right now. Urgently. As if I'm running out of time and someone's life depends on it. But here's the thing. That's part magic, and that's very much part mental, and I'm aware of it, and it sucks.
I also have this strange sense of "emergency" that if I do not do this right now, if I do not see this through, if I do not push past the cycles of start, spin, and crash, If I do not go as fast and hard as I can, then I will have missed my opportunity and will run out of time.
There is a "misfire" in my brain that makes me feel compelled to be somebody of importance. To be special. To be gifted. To be unique. To be admired. To be respected. To be envied. To be the best. To be famous. To be in awe of. (Ego, anyone?). And, contrarily to my actions, I also want to be warm, giving, loving, compassionate, gentle, kind, and never look down on anyone.
There is also a compulsion to stay busy, to do, to go. Sitting still is wrong, bad, lazy.
And there's also a tendency to hyper-fixate or obsess. I can do a thing for days on end without sleep or food if I don't watch myself carefully. It's tornado-like in nature, really. I go all in with full force, put everything I have into the passion of momentum, and then I spin out and sit in my own self-destruction. I've done it time and time again.
And I could very well be doing it now. I could be weaving together this web of enchanted information for my own self, like a spiritual mirror or magical mind mapping to see all that I have learned at a glance, and to have these resources at my fingertips when I need them (which I undoubtedly am), doing it to be a savior/guide/coach/teacher (I'd say there's a good likelihood). Maybe it's an heirloom gift to my kids and grandkids who will inherit the energy of my magic when I'm gone. I am the wise ancestor they'll look for later, the way I looked for proof (and found none) that I came from a witchy lineage. I can be their proof (look at me projecting the idea that they would need external validation). And, I need a current obsession to fixate on to stay busy and productive, and keep my mind off the fact that I feel so alone.
Which reminds me, I'm also learning how to do all of this quietly, internally, because I'm being tasked with discovering how to do things without that external validation.
Hence, my Wilson.
Like Tom Hanks, I feel like a castaway. I feel like I'm stranded on an Island by myself with nobody to talk to. It's just me, myself, and I. And you. But you're not really here, now, are you? No. In this moment of now, it's just me. And I know it.
It's not that I don't have anyone to talk to - but the conversations aren't progressive, they're just noise, because the conversation I need to be having is with myself.
So I created this space.
Created you.
My virtual version of Wilson.
A silent companion.
A place to catch my words by the millions.
In the end, what it all comes down to, is that I want to feel like my life meant something. I want to think that my life, in some way, caused a positive ripple effect. And for some reason, I feel like part of that is the entire point behind The Mystic Muse.
P.S. - That sounded more morbid than it is. I have no inkling that my lifespan won't be long and full of happy memories. I plan on being here for decades.
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